Dealing with a month of anniversaries

Its been a little over a month since my previous, and only, entry, which is appropriate since my first was about my struggle with procrastination!  Obviously, a work in progress.  So, on to a new and more pressing subject currently-being deluged with bittersweet anniversaries of momentous events in Karsen's life.  October just happens to be chock full of them, and each rememberance is a mix of pain, sadness, joy, sorrow, and, in most cases, tears.  I'm not surprised by any of that, but I am a bit perplexed that I'm not as overwhelmed by this flood of emotion as I was a month ago.  I believe I had more anxiety prior to these dates because I was uncertain and a bit frightened of my reaction to reliving these historic moments .  Here is a synopsis of these sacred dates:  October 15 marked one year since the last time he was ever in the warmth and comfort of his own home, though we didn't know that outcome at the time.  The sweetest moment of that hectic day came when we were waiting for the ambulance to arrive, and Karsen wanted a bowl of his favorite ice cream, strawberry sherbet.  His brother riley joined him, and they sat quietly together on Karsen's cozy bed.  October 24 and 25 mark the days that Karsen received news of an available liver for transplantation, the call that we were waiting for since July.  Its really a great memory for me, because we had unabashed hope for a strong and healthy future.  The most important date is just around the bend- that day is October 27, his 21st birthday.  I already anticipated the potential for absolute emotional overload, so we planned a celebration of his life with his closest friends and family.  He was consistently a positive, upbeat, and life-affirming person, so we will carry on Karsen's legacy by honoring his special day. 

Life and Death Lifestyle

It is very fitting that my very first blog is focused primarily on procrastination, since this very exercise of writing has been one of the top victims of this tendency.  I created this page in March, filled with anticipation and seemingly motivated to have a place to express my thoughts and feelings during the early days of this grief journey.  It is now September, and I’m finally taking the leap.  Enough said.

I’ll be honest-I’ve always struggled with procrastination, at times adopting it as a lifestyle choice.  Oh, I’ve usually been a responsible adult, showing up on time for appointments, paying bills on time, and in general following a reasonable family schedule.  But way too often, any optional activities were placed on the do it later list.  Eventually, the truly important tasks were completed. Over the past 3 months. I was overcome by a type of inertia never encountered in my adult life.  It wasn’t exactly depression, and I didn’t recognize this inaction as grief either.  Just yesterday, a light bulb moment occurred when I realized this as a form of grief, but from a different source.  For the past 15 years, I have lived a daily "life and death" existence.  Each day, the clear goal was to do whatever it required to keep Karsen alive while fighting the many ravages of Cystic Fibrosis.  My tasks were usually very clear cut, and decisions seemed easy-everything that wasn’t part of that goal fell away.  No guilt, no pressure, because that was clearly the only priority that really mattered to all of us.  So, most of my days were already prescribed for me, like many of us, but the big difference is these tasks were often life and death.  Now that Karsen lost his battle and  there are no more life and death decisions on daily basis, its become a herculian feat to get almost anything done. I'm understanding now that this isn't necessarily just procarastination, but the inability to figure out priorities in our family's life without the advent of life and death.  This is now my new challenge, and I finally feel able to take the steps to make this my new priority.